My husband thinks it is ok to look at other women and this weekend he made the comment it is ok for married couples to enjoy sex with someone else and stay married. He said love was love and sex was sex. How can i get my husband to fall back in love with me and only want me and no one else? I am very faithful to my husband and cannot stand to look at another man, but he thinks everyone does this. He told me I should find guys to flirt with to improve my self-esteem. I cannot do that because I would feel like I was betraying my love for him. What can I do?
People (men and women) looking at someone, not their spouse, and wanting sex with those others, is of course very common. One way to look at that behavior is through the lens of morality. Some make the argument that sexual desire, and acting upon that desire by actually having extramarital sex, is a sin, is morally wrong, etc. We don’t take that view. Sexual preferences are a person’s right, and as long as everyone involved is consenting freely, it is no one else’s business. That being said, Pala and I are monogamous. While we love many others, sex is just for the two of us. This is not a position of moral superiority, only our personal preference. We would never try to convince others to be like we are; that is up to them entirely.
But you are his wife, and you are affected by his lusting after other women, and you would certainly be affected strongly if he were to act upon those desires. That makes it your business as well as his. I would not recommend that you make this a moral issue, i. e., try to refrain from painting him as being wrong, bad, sinful, selfish, etc. because he has these desires. I would recommend that you share with him that his position and his behaviors do two things (assuming these are true for you), first «what you are doing hurts me,» and second «it makes me afraid.» Then explain to him how you feel, why you are afraid, and what you are afraid of.
When you reveal yourself to him by doing this, you are becoming emotionally vulnerable and transparent.
Doing that means you are opening your heart. If he loves you (let’s just assume that he does), this will also open his heart because someone he loves, his wife, is being hurt and made fearful by actions that involve him. No one wants to hurt those they love. Of course sometimes people do act from a small ego place disregarding how those actions affect those around them, but that is of course, not love.
Proceed then to enter into a dialogue about what kind of relationship you desire to have for the rest of your married time together as husband and wife. Be very clear on your desire for monogamy, fidelity, mutual trust, etc. in the relationship. Be very clear on what sexual behaviors are acceptable to you and what are not acceptable. Allow him to also explain his view, beliefs and assumptions about these matters.
After that, you must arrive at an agreement (whatever agreement that might be I can’t predict). Failing to reach such an agreement threatens the marriage, make no mistake about that. Be sure he understands this as well.
The other thing you can do, actually, that both of you can do, is spice up your love life.
Learn the knowledge and the skill that goes with that knowledge, of great lovemaking. One of the main reasons people look outside the marriage for sex is that they have become bored with sex with their spouse. This is very common, very unfortunate, and very unnecessary. There are many excellent books, videos and workshops you can take advantage of to learn how to become sensitive, talented, skilled lovers. If you learn how to please each other to high levels of saturated pleasure, there will be nothing gained by looking elsewhere for sexual titillation and fulfillment.
Our books, videos and workshops are a good place to start, but there are many other teachers all over the world that could help you. Do an Internet search for some in your local area if we are too far away from where you are located.